Erotic adventures of the misunderstood Viking.

Well, it seems my family always has to show me up. Everyone always wants to be number one, except me. They will be like "I'm number one!" and I will be like "I'm participating!" and they will pat me on the head with sad looks on their faces.

So I finally let slip to my mother some dirt about my annoying older brother because he is such a jerk, and my mom turns around and says "Oh yeah? Well your sister writes erotic novels.". I can't really imagine my sister having sex, so this particularly blew me away. She is sort of like an evil amazon warrior who xena would fight. I guess physically you'd say she is attractive but I'd imagine it about 100 times more likely she'd knock someone unconscious than have sex with them. Of course, who knows, maybe with her they go hand in hand.

Supposedly she is pretty successful at it, too. I know writing is not an easy field to make any money at all in let alone a living, so I guess it must be pretty good. So it got me to thinking, if she can do it why not me? By coincidence it also lines up nicely with my little fantasy from the last post. I will have to put in all the 'he said' 'she sighed breathily' crap later but here's my first crack at becoming a rich and famous erotic novel writer:

The erotic adventures of the misunderstood Viking.

Leave me be, you savage rascal! I am a pure and innocent girl, who has never strayed from the path of virtue. Except that time when I got an itch from wearing a chastity belt while my father was on the crusades, and I kept rubbing myself against the bedpost until I started to feel all tingly and feint. My sweet young flesh is not for you, barbarian! Though I do find myself strangely attracted to you.

Of course you do. Did you know Vikings have the most varied diet of all the peoples of medieval times? That is why we are taller and stronger than your men. We also bathe more frequently than any other culture in europe, and personal hygeine is one of the most important factors in sexual attractiveness and general healthiness. It is also often overlooked.

That may be, but I am technically still a virgin. I will not be defiled by you!

Oh, I'm a failure! I can't even ravish a woman properly. All the other vikings will laugh at me. You have no idea what a long boat ride it can be back up the coast. It's bad enough I am only six foot two and my penis is only seven and a half inches long. Now they will think I am like my cousin Sigurdson who dresses up like a valkyrie and hangs out at the seedier viking bars bringing shame to the family name!

Seven and a half? Actually that's a good size, much better than that squash I snuck into my room that time. You know, I always wondered why they measure distance in feet and not penii. After all foot size and penis size are supposed to go together and a foot is kind of an awkward length for many tasks. Not to mention there being twelve inches in a foot. Wouldn't you rather think about penii than feet?

What? I, uhm. Well, I suppose it is a nice size but some of my brethren are hung like oars.

Really? I have been hiding from Viking raiders all my life but your homeland sounds like a place rich in culture and the spirit of enlightenment. Perhaps I have been too quick to judge simply due to being unused to the idea of surprise sex from random but very hot strangers.

It is not that we are savages, but you must understand it is an important part of our culture. It is what we do and who we are. We ravish attractive women. To not ravish women would be to not be a viking, and any one of us would rather die than deny our heritage like that.

I see now that to not sleep with you would make me a bigot and spit in the face of your cultural mores, and would be wrong.


So what do you think? If I fill it out a bit more do you think it's worth finding a publisher?