Granny Smith

I was watching some of House season five and it struck me that the show has become about babysitting an infantile old man more than whatever it was about to begin with. That got me thinking to my grandparents. Although pretty long lived as a family, my granny is the only one left.

Such a sweet little granny, with an affable grin, and corn powder blue eyes and a love for collecting christmas ornaments. For decades she's hugged me and been kinder than anyone in the world...until I started to spend some alone time with her. Then, everything changes. She immediately starts to dish out all the family dirt and probe me for anything I might know, and laughs at how easily she 'hoodwinked' various relatives into doing what she wanted and getting them to take care of her. Plus, just endless insane lies, especially about the family and most of which I just know can't be true.

I agreed to take her a month but one week in I was suicidal (well, more so than usual), and then she finally went too far. We went through the drivethru at in-n-out, which is a treat for me because they are a bit far away and the service is sooo slow that I don't go often, but qualitywise they are always top notch. So this 87 year old woman is next to me in the car as I get some napkins from the drivethru girl in a sad ploy to have some fleeting physical contact with a cute girl and I hear a scream of "This burger is an INSULT to me!" and she flings it back into the window and almost hits her in the face. I couldn't even believe it, and I managed to get my mom to take her back after that, but I remember thinking thank god I will never be that crazy.

A year later, I am just now going by there more regularly again, sure they must have forgotten by now. Then it happened. Do you want cheese on your double double?

Now, I have ordered there a million times, and everyone but this one girl always gets my order with no problem. She, however, can't handle the concept of 'spread only' including cheese. Yet it includes bun and meat, even though I said only. Why is that? The item is a fucking cheeseburger for god's sake. You don't ask if someone wants a cheeseburger with cheese. If they didn't want cheese they'd order a ...hamburger. In this case, a double hamburger.

Now to be fair to myself I didn't say this right off the bat. I could see it was going nowhere so I pulled to the window, and this insane chick just could not comprehend my order. I was not so much mad but I just had to know what caused her to be such a disfunctional nitwit.

I mean, is she intentionally wasting my time? Is she trying to correct me because she is a pedantic twit and (like almost all pedants) is of course wrong in her correction? Has she never had someone else use the word only in their order? Is she not a human being at all and not a robot sent by aliens to drive humanity insane so they can take over without firing a shot?

If you've ever seen the movie no country for old men, it was just like the scene in the gas station. Exept without the restraint and with double the incredulousness. So I suppose it's only a matter of time before I yell out that the local fast food offerings are an insult to me before hurling them back through the window, but for now I still know a hawk from a handsaw.