Inspirado

Mission Viejo class of 2009, I have come to speak here tonight to offer advice for the future on this momentus occasion. The list of speakers in this 16 hour graduation ceremony has indeed been distinguished, with people from many walks of life all of whom bizarrely put the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLAble while they are speak-talking.

Likely, you feel that only the sweet, sweet sting of a self administered tranquilizer dart to the neck can save you now, but I am different. I am not like the other speakers. For one thing, I am pretty sure none of them took 200 mg of amphetamines and ran naked to the podium before beginning their speech. At least, I don't remember that happening, but to be honest my mind is a bit spotty now because after the 20th or so tazering your hippocampus starts to shut down even if you are so wired that it doesn't slow down your body for one second.

Now I seem to recall that the topics covered were football, cumbiah, jesus, wheelchairs not bring you down because of jesus, and not letting critics stop you from playing basketball or join the military. Why, you can play basketball in the shower for god's sake. This is america after all! Or even some gay ass pansy sport like soccer or whatever the sport of your choice was. Also, there was a lot of talk about sashes and medals and rescuing refugees and crap, but I assure you the girl sitting next to me had a bunch of sashes and medals on her graduation and I know all too well that she is basically a female version of beavis who cackles and shouts 'fire! fire! fire!' at every opportunity so don't get too caught up in that.

So what now? Aside from loving jesus, joining the military, not letting cancer and wheelchairs hold you back, and provacatively fingering your sash? And never ever giving up as you change the world, and all that crap?

First off, forget everything everyone has ever taught you. Then forget everything you learned yourself, too. If you do you'll jump ten or even twenty years ahead of yourself. For many people, it's a lesson they never learn. But I have changed my mind on every single subject, and been blown away to realize nothing was what I thought it was like, like anyone really says anything is like.

The answer is not school, or work, or hard work, or anything you say or do or think. The answer is love but it can't be found in the bed of a whore or working for your uncle's lawfirm or even in the hot stem of a crack pipe. Gentle aquatic mammals have the answer to all life's questions. Let go and give your heart to the sea. Float out with the tide and feel yourself become one with nature. Run naked through the channel islands. Spend a year searching for coranado's gold sword and catching dewdrops on your tongue. Only then will you have the true answers because words can't contain them.

Or might have just been watching too many cartoons again.