I'm delicious

Well, I was going to go more into the volunteer part and this long conversation I had witht his suicidal kid but it was like 6 hours so I will summarize and then summarize the summary.

Anyway, I figured that volunteering would get me out of the house a bit and give me a break from all the work I am doing. Unfortunately it didn't really work out like that. I puzzled around a bit as to what to do and then I saw an ad in the paper for a suidice hotline. In another life I was considering being a pharmacist and ended up taking a lot of classes in psychology for some reason because of this. Also, when I was a kid I made a halfassed attempt at suicide. Not so much that it was a 'cry for help' but that it's a lot harder than you'd think. It's like stabbing your eye with a needle but multiply that by 50 or so. No matter how miserable you are there's this animal part of you that wants to live that won't listen to logic.

I don't believe in the cry for help nonsense. I do think for some people it's a passing thing - there's a big difference between being sad and being depressed, and a lot of flavors of depression. They don't always have to have any reason based on reality, but a lot of times people's lives simply suck and they don't see how they can possibly improve them, hence the suicide. I think a lot of people go a little far with treating it as totally wrong in all cases and react very strongly to it, but if you are not going to sit there and live the person's life for them then how can you justify that attitude?

Anyway, it took forever to train for this stupid thing, like a week even though I am sort of qualified already. It was really a huge pain in the ass, and it turned out to be like any other job and nothing much interesting or social. I ended up not even going in after the training and would just be on call at home, which was actually a serious pain and worse than just going in, which was also pretty boring because it's not like people call in every 6 seconds.

So finally I do talk to one person by myself, and it was sort of interesting and maybe I helped him a bit, but while I was talking to him I started slicing on the bottom of my feet. I guess this is technically self mutilation, but it's not like that.

For some bizarre reason, my feet seem to get these huge cracks the last few years and it makes me nuts. It also eventually leads to like cuts if I don't do anything. The doctors don't think it's fungus, or eczema...or anything they can figure out. My feet seem to be just spontaneously self destructing. Possibly bad circulation or prediabetes or prekidney disease? Lately I have been worrying about it again.

So I talk to this kid forever, and as I do it I am slicing off the cracks without really paying attention to what I'm doing because I am so engrossed. Then I hang up and look and there's blood everywhere. I basically have no skin on my feet any more. Not all of it is bloody but there are a bunch of places I went way too far that are oozing blood.

So then I notice my dog is EATING THE SKIN. I am not making this up. When she's done she has this look on her face like she wants me to lop off a toe or something! Then I got fired from a VOLUNTEER position because (due to having no skin on my feet, which I feel is a very good excuse) I didn't go in the next day to talk about the talking I'd done the day before and get more retarded 'training'.